The Dance of Intimacy is Dr. Harriet Lerner's 2nd book. Here are a few excerpts ....
Intimacy means that we can be who we are in a relationship and allow the other person to do the same. "Being who we are" requires that we can talk openly about things that are important to us, that we take a clear position on where we stand on important emotional issues, and that we clarify the limits of what is acceptable and tolerable to us in a relationship. "Allowing the other person to do the same" means that we can stay emotionally connected to that other party who thinks, feels, and believes differently, without needing to change, convince, or fix the other. An intimate relationship is one in which neither party silences, sacrifices, or betrays the self and each party expresesses strength and vulnerability, weakness and competence in a balanced way. Intimacy is the business of navigating separatenss (the "I") and connectedness (the "we").
Bottom line ~ The author's goal is to enhance our capacity for genuine closeness over the long haul. She talks about the harm of "overfunctioning" on behalf of others and believing that we know what is best for them, and conversely, of the better approach of accepting others and bringing balance to our relationships by sharing honestly from both our strenths and weaknesses and expressing both our vulnerabilities and competencies. She also addresses how anxiety is the frequent fuel of our polarized relationships and positions. She advocates thinking about our situations and feelings to more clearly define ourselves rather than reacting to anxiety and feelings with the goal of changing others. (hmmm... and since we know that we crave to be understood and accepted, how easy it should be to recognize that the work we do in understanding and accepting others, rather than wanting to change them, would go a long way toward deepening the quality of our relationships with them :)
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Hmmmm... as you might imagine, it was a really good book :) You can find it here. .
