Do we really have to serve her?

Greetings My Beloved Sherrie,

Just wanted to thank you again for your supportive words and your heartfelt message you left for me today! I also have a scripture question for you: Do you remember a friend & I telling you about a third friend who is very narcissistic and expects the all of the people she knows to rally to her needs and minister her? Well, a fourth friend called me today with feelings of “guilt”, as she blew off our narcissistic friend for self-preservation.

Would you be so kind to enlighten us with either scripture or you wisdom that allows us to be off the hook from feeling guilty about not rising to her demands. Thank you so much! Your Adoring Fan

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From: Sherrie :)

I think the better question is trying to figure out IF God is calling you and your friends to serve this difficult woman -- not whether you should feel guilty if you don't :)

We are called to love and to serve and to minister and to pray ... but we don't have the capacity to do so for the needs of ALL 6 BILLION people on this planet, right? But God has designed us and placed us to love and serve ~ so how do we sort out who we are supposed to be serving??

Let me expand ~ I have relationships in my life that I look at as MINISTRY where God has called me to love and serve and from which I will get very little or nothing back except for the sweetness of my obedience to God and the growth in my heart from loving those that aren't easily lovable. In contrast, God has also given me relationships of MUTUALITY where I love and serve AND I am also loved and served back ... where I give, but I also receive. I think a healthy life involves lots of both types of relationships :) some ministry some mutuality.

This woman seems to clearly fall in the ministry category (I'm not hearing anything that feels like mutuality)and thus, when we give to her, we must give from God's calling, God's strength, and of God's love ~~ because in ourselves we will not be able to. That's the key to ministry relationships - they have to be the relationships God has called us to and thus strengthens us for.

So ... is it God who is calling your you and/or your friends to love and serve your narcissistic friend who has the high expectations and uses condemnation and guilt? If so, then He WILL give the strength to do so. If you gals are finding that you are exhausted and upset in the relationship, then I think you need to ask yourself -- is this something God is calling you to do? If so, He'll give you the strength to do it and grow your character while you do. But if He isn't (and the lack of His sustaining strength seems to be an indicator) then truly you don't need to serve her. And you don't need to feel guilty for not doing so.

Another consideration is how we are designed and what hurts we have in our lives ... personally, I have very sensitive antenna to people who use guilt and manipulation. I cannot handle those situations well and find that I must avoid them to protect myself from exiting back to some places of bad memories in my life. Thus, for me, this particular situation would easily trigger a "No" and a lot of avoidance. But others may be called to serve a person who is like this.

So again, seeking God's face and His heart in the situation is the key. Ask, "God, if it is your will that I continue to serve her, would you please clearly show me." He is faithful to answer prayers like this that are in purity of seeking His will and to honor Him.

Here's one last way to look at it is this -- and this might be the most important -- is how she is behaving the way God would want her to behave? Is her situation, her attitude, and the fulfillment of her demands what God would really want for her? For her growth, her character, her life? To the extent it is NOT, then whatever you gals do that allows her to continue to behave inappropriately would actually be GETTING IN GOD'S WAY of the purposes and plans He has for her troubled life. It's called ENABLING and it's really quite a bad place to be as it will keep her from growing. Remember, some of the best love we can give is to say "No." You have munchkins of your own, so you know personally how true that is :) So it's important to make sure you don't get in God's way ~ again, seek His guidance.

As a Christian, the Holy Spirit now lives in your heart. Ask for God's clarity. Listen to the still quiet voice inside you. It won't be the voice that you hear telling you how bad she is, or how unjust she is, or how mad you are about her behavior, and how appalled you are about how she treated your friend (that's our voice of course!) It will be the quiet comforting presence that brings you the answer and with it brings you peace, one way or the other. That's how we listen to Him. It takes quiet, it takes stillness, it takes asking. He will answer :) He always does and confirms it by leaving His calling cards of Love, Joy, and Peace.

Hope all that helps you and your friends! I love you so much and am honored that you would ask my opinion regarding this tough situation... Big hug! Sherrie

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Sherrie, this is a WOW moment! Your insight and words of wisdom are incredibly comforting and give such clarity. You spiritual gift of “encouragement” is clearly evident! I appreciate you taking the time to respond, as will my friend.

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Your WOW light bulb fills my heart ~ sleep well, rest peacefully, love much! Sherrie