If they are selfish instead of loving ...

An e.mail discussion with one of our casa teens ...

Perhaps it will be a blessing to you :)

To: Sherrie :)

hello.
when you and dave said that after you accepted christ you stopped living for yourselves and started living for others.. what about christians who aren't living that lifestyle? do we have a responsibility to confront them? should we allow God to work on their hearts? and what about when it affects those around them? i've noticed it in someone i'm close with. they live for themselves and not for the people they care about. how should i handle that?

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From: Sherrie :)

Thanks for your great question my dear :) The answer's easy ... it depends! (wink, wink)

Do you think that the issue is related to them being young and immature overall (not just spiritually)? If so, the lesson of Proverbs 22:6 comes to mind ~ "Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it." In this case, the right answer is probably lots of reminders and discussions about all the different ways we are called to love one another ... I've put a ton of them at the bottom of my response below.

OR - are they grown in maturity, but not spiritual maturity?
If that's the case then there are a lot of things to think about...

If you were to talk to them about living a lifestyle of loving others, would they think that you are being judgmental and get defensive with you? The verse that comes to mind is Matthew 7:3 ~ "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?" In this case, we may not have a mutual and trusting relationship with the person and anything we try to do to "fix" them will come across as judgmental / meddling and we will not get far. Actually, we might get pushed farther away.

But perhaps this attitude you are speaking of is more of a sin against you ... in which case, Matthew 18:15-17 would be an approach you can take, although you'd want to make sure that this heavy approach really fits the situation ~ "If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that 'every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.' If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector." We are called to talk one on one, but to do it in such a gentle way that (s)he will see the love of Christ in us and be encouraged to do better.

There are some people in my life that I look at more as a MINISTRY than a MUTUAL friendship ... and in those cases, I believe that the Holy Spirit encourages us and strengthens us to share our lives with the person and impact them with the gentle influence of participation rather than correction ... the old saying of character traits are caught not taught! Titus 2:3-4 comes to mind ~ "Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children." Of course, the concept of who is the "older" and "younger" women in this story would have to be adjusted a little bit for this situation! But what I think this means is you could very purposefully say once every week have a contact with this person specifically around the issue of loving others ... "Hi Sara (sample friend name), this is Me -- I really want to go love on some people today and was thinking of washing the cars for my parents. Perhaps you could bring your parents cars over to my house and we could wash all of them together." Of course that's just an example, you'd have lots of better ideas :)

Your case might be just as easy as expressing your disagreement over selfish comments or decisions that your friend has made ... "You know Angela (sample friend name), those comments sound pretty selfish and a bit mean-spirited." Then just drop it. You don't have to beat and beat and beat, but you could just share your opinion / disappointment in how your friend is talking / behaving. Her response to your disagreeing with her lack of loving approach may tell you a lot about what next steps might and might not work.

And of course, as this is a heart issue, asking THE Heart Doctor to get involved will have the greatest positive impact! Pray, pray, pray. Pray for this person to be gentle. Pray for this person to see the blessings of loving others. Pray for this person's heart to be soften. Pray for this person to be released from the power and control of satan, the flesh, and the world/culture (the 3 great sources of selfishness!) Pray that you can be an awesome loving light and tasty salt in this person's life. Pray for the Holy Spirit inside of you to guide you in your approach with this friend. Remember, as Christian's we are called to love the unlovable and the Holy Spirit may answer that He has a bigger lesson for you than your friend right at this time!

Hope that helps! Read the verses below -- you'll see that it really is ALL about love my dear and I hope they really touch your heart in a deep and meaningful way. I applaud you for caring about this in your life as well as in the lives of people you are close to! To God be all the Glory!!

Much love,
Sherrie

The Greatest Commandment: One of the teachers of the law came and heard them debating. Noticing that Jesus had given them a good answer, he asked him, "Of all the commandments, which is the most important?"
"The most important one," answered Jesus, "is this: 'Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.' The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these." Mark 12:28-31

Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.
This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.
No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them.
We love because he first loved us.
If we say we love God yet hate a brother or sister, we are liars. For if we do not love a fellow believer, whom we have seen, we cannot love God, whom we have not seen. And he has given us this command: Those who love God must also love one another. 1 John 4:7-21

See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! 1 John 3:1a

If I speak … but don't love, I'm nothing. If I have faith … but I don't love, I'm nothing. If I give … and go to the stake … but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love. Love … takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, puts up with anything, trusts God always, always looks for the best, never looks back, and keeps going to the end. Love never dies. We have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love. 1 Corinthians 13:1-13 (msg)

My goal is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love, so that they may have the full riches of complete understanding, in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely, Christ, in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge. Colossians 2:2-3

You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another humbly in love. For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: "Love your neighbor as yourself." Galatians 5:13-14

The whole point of what we're urging is simply love--love uncontaminated by self-interest and counterfeit faith, a life open to God. There are some, you know, who by relaxing their grip and thinking anything goes have made a thorough mess of their faith. 1 Timothy 1:5 & 19 (msg)

But you, dear friends, carefully build yourselves up in this most holy faith by praying in the Holy Spirit, staying right at the center of God's love, keeping your arms open and outstretched, ready for the mercy of our Master, Jesus Christ. This is the unending life, the real life! Jude 1:20-21 (msg)

As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father's commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you servants, because servants do not know their master's business. Instead, I have calle d you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit—fruit that will last—and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you. This is my command: Love each other. John 15:9-17

Relish life with the spouse you love each and every day of your precarious life. Each day is God's gift. It's all you get in exchange for the hard work of staying alive. Make the most of each one! Ecclesiastes 9:9 (msg)

However, let each man of you [without exception] love his wife as [being in a sense] his very own self; and let the wife see that she respects and reverences her husband [ that she notices him, regards him, honors him, prefers him, venerates, and esteems him; and that she defers to him, praises him, and loves and admires him exceedingly]. Ephesians 5:33 (amp)

To the lady chosen by God and to her children, whom I love in the truth—and not I only, but also all who know the truth— because of the truth, which lives in us and will be with us forever: Grace, mercy and peace from God the Father and from Jesus Christ, the Father's Son, will be with us in truth and love. It has given me great joy to find some of your children walking in the truth, just as the Father commanded us. And now, dear lady, I am not writing you a new command but one we have had from the beginning. I ask that we love one another. And this is love: that we walk in obedience to his commands. As you have heard from the beginning, his command is that you walk in love. 2 John 1:1-6

And have you completely forgotten this word of encouragement that addresses you as children? It says, "My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he chastens everyone he accepts as his child. Hebrews 12:5-6

Fathers, do not provoke or irritate or fret your children [do not be hard on them or harass them], lest they become discouraged and sullen and morose and feel inferior and frustrated. [Do not break their spirit.] Colossians 3:21 (amp)

Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can urge the younger women to love their husbands and children. Titus 2:3-4

"A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." John 13:34-35

Love one another ~ Romans 13.8

Love one another ~ John 15.12

Love one another ~ John 15.17

Love one another ~ 1 Thessalonians 4.9

Love one another ~ 1 John 3.23

Love one another ~ 1 John 4.7

The Fellowship of the Believers - They devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. Everyone was filled with awe, and many wonders and miraculous signs were done by the apostles. All the believers were together and had everything in common. Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved. Acts 2:42-47

And let us consider and give attentive, continuous care to watching over one another, studying how we may stir up (stimulate and incite) to love and helpful deeds and noble activities, not forsaking or neglecting to assemble together [as believers], as is the habit of some people, but admonishing (warning, urging, and encouraging) one another, and all the more faithfully as you see the day approaching. Hebrews 10:24-25 (amp)

Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Colossians 3:12-14

We should all please our neighbors for their good, to build them up. Romans 15:2

But he wanted to justify himself, so he asked Jesus, "And who is my neighbor?" Jesus said: "Which of these three do you think was a neighbor to the man who fell into the hands of robbers?" The expert in the law replied, "The one who had mercy on him." Jesus told him, "Go and do likewise." Luke 10:29 and 36-37

In everything I did, I showed you that by this kind of hard work we must help the weak, remembering the words the Lord Jesus himself said: 'It is more blessed to give than to receive.' Acts 20:35

Servants, obey in everything those who are your earthly masters, not only when their eyes are on you as pleasers of men, but in simplicity of purpose [with all your heart] because of your reverence for the Lord and as a sincere expression of your devotion to Him. Whatever may be your task, work at it heartily (from the soul), as [something done] for the Lord and not for men. Colossians 3:22-23 (amp)

Watch what God does, and then you do it, like children who learn proper behavior from their parents. Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn't love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that. Ephesians 5:1-2 (msg)

May the Master pour on the love so it fills your lives and splashes over on everyone around you just as it does from us to you. 1 Thessalonians 3:12 (msg)

We ought always to thank God for you, brothers and sisters, and rightly so, because your faith is growing more and more, and the love all of you have for one another is increasing. 2 Thessalonians 1:3

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wow sherrie! thank you for going out of your way to include all the scripture!! it did touch me and i appreciate all of the guidance you've given me here. i need to spend some more time in prayer before i talk to my friend but i greatly appreciate this!